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Am I Really Here? Do I Exist?

It's my own fault, I know it. For whatever reason I've not been taking my meds. I have 'em... I just can't bring myself to swallow the ten bloody horsepills - and that's just in the morning. At night, it's another four. And now, I'm reaping the consequences. I'm over-emotional. I tend to cry at the slightest thing and everything frustrates me.

Tonight I burst into tears because my elder son is having dinner with my grandkids (and no, I wasn't invited, and I'm old school enough not to show up and expect to be welcome), and my younger son preferred to order in freaking Papa John's pizza instead of coming to share a meal with me. I feel about this big.

It's getting so that I have no feeling of self-worth any more. I do nothing but sit at the computer all day, and if it weren't for a couple of sweetie pies on different continents and one on this one, I could exist in a void. It's like... if I wasn't in a medical emergency situation, I wouldn't exist in my own family. healing was good for me, personally, but it distanced everyone again.

I just want to feel wanted, you know? Even needed by someone. And I don't feel it. Not in the slightest. I guess I should take the fucking anti-depressants again... ya think? Even my writing isn't making me happy these days.. which I guess doesn't matter. It's not like anyone is reading it, after all.


I need some contact here, you guys. Please stop in and say hello, or share something uplifting. Make me see there's still good in the damned world? Let me know you can see me?

Please?

Comments

tabaqui
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:15 am (UTC)
Aww, bb.
*smish*

You really do. I mean, yes, i get it - meds are yucky, and a pain, and expensive, and make you feel *ill* in a way that a lot of other things don't.

But you can't have a life when your body chemistry is fucking with you daily, and that's *exactly* what's happening right now and it's just...no good.

If you can talk to your doc or a therapist or somebody about *why* you went off them, and ways to make you feel more positive about them, that would be good, you know?

And please keep us updated, bb. Don't vanish into the aether!

*yet more hugs*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:23 am (UTC)
It's amazing - when the shit comes, it keeps coming. My doctor moved out of her practice, and I have to be assigned to a stranger. I'm not good with change. But eventually I will have to go, since I only have one more refill on my meds, and I so obviously can't do without 'em.

If therapists made house calls, I would get one. I just don't leave the house enough to get somewhere, so...

**mods hugs back to you**
tabaqui
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:25 am (UTC)
Meh, that sucks.

Courage, though, bb - a strange can become a friend, or at the very least, a useful tool.

*pet pet pet*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:31 pm (UTC)
Agreed... but change is hard for me - enough to paralyze me most times into not taking action. But I will try. I need to. **pets you back**