Spike's Heart (spikes_heart) wrote,
Spike's Heart
spikes_heart

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Am I Really Here? Do I Exist?

It's my own fault, I know it. For whatever reason I've not been taking my meds. I have 'em... I just can't bring myself to swallow the ten bloody horsepills - and that's just in the morning. At night, it's another four. And now, I'm reaping the consequences. I'm over-emotional. I tend to cry at the slightest thing and everything frustrates me.

Tonight I burst into tears because my elder son is having dinner with my grandkids (and no, I wasn't invited, and I'm old school enough not to show up and expect to be welcome), and my younger son preferred to order in freaking Papa John's pizza instead of coming to share a meal with me. I feel about this big.

It's getting so that I have no feeling of self-worth any more. I do nothing but sit at the computer all day, and if it weren't for a couple of sweetie pies on different continents and one on this one, I could exist in a void. It's like... if I wasn't in a medical emergency situation, I wouldn't exist in my own family. healing was good for me, personally, but it distanced everyone again.

I just want to feel wanted, you know? Even needed by someone. And I don't feel it. Not in the slightest. I guess I should take the fucking anti-depressants again... ya think? Even my writing isn't making me happy these days.. which I guess doesn't matter. It's not like anyone is reading it, after all.


I need some contact here, you guys. Please stop in and say hello, or share something uplifting. Make me see there's still good in the damned world? Let me know you can see me?

Please?
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