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Am I Really Here? Do I Exist?

It's my own fault, I know it. For whatever reason I've not been taking my meds. I have 'em... I just can't bring myself to swallow the ten bloody horsepills - and that's just in the morning. At night, it's another four. And now, I'm reaping the consequences. I'm over-emotional. I tend to cry at the slightest thing and everything frustrates me.

Tonight I burst into tears because my elder son is having dinner with my grandkids (and no, I wasn't invited, and I'm old school enough not to show up and expect to be welcome), and my younger son preferred to order in freaking Papa John's pizza instead of coming to share a meal with me. I feel about this big.

It's getting so that I have no feeling of self-worth any more. I do nothing but sit at the computer all day, and if it weren't for a couple of sweetie pies on different continents and one on this one, I could exist in a void. It's like... if I wasn't in a medical emergency situation, I wouldn't exist in my own family. healing was good for me, personally, but it distanced everyone again.

I just want to feel wanted, you know? Even needed by someone. And I don't feel it. Not in the slightest. I guess I should take the fucking anti-depressants again... ya think? Even my writing isn't making me happy these days.. which I guess doesn't matter. It's not like anyone is reading it, after all.


I need some contact here, you guys. Please stop in and say hello, or share something uplifting. Make me see there's still good in the damned world? Let me know you can see me?

Please?

Comments

( 52 comments — Leave a comment )
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hobbituk
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:41 am (UTC)
I am really sorry you are so down right now - sending you {{{cyber hugs}}} to try to make you feel better.

spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 02:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks, hon. It's amazing at how much that really does help. *hugs you back*
lyrstzha
Jul. 24th, 2013 08:15 am (UTC)
Hello; I see you. *hugs*

Something shiny, something shiny...how about awkwardly sleeping cats?
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:03 pm (UTC)
Those kitties were adorable, and a couple of them made me go 'huh!'. Thanks so much for the shiny. *hugs you*
gillo
Jul. 24th, 2013 10:49 am (UTC)
{{hugs you lots}}

Wanna Skype sometime?

And what they all said. TAKE THOSE MEDS.

Been there, somehow found my way out again, but I will never not be conscious of how frail a sense of wellbeing is. You gotta take care of yourself, pet. You're the only you we've got. You're the only you YOU'Ve got.

{{more hugs}}
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:06 pm (UTC)
I know you've had your own funk, Gill (and yes, that's just a simple word to cover all the shite you went through). I'm hoping mine was a quick hit and hurt. I'll do my best to get back on the pill wagon.

Hugs you hard for caring.
shapinglight
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
:Big, big, hugs:

I'm racking my brains for something daft and amusing to share with you and coming up empty, so have an icon of your favourite Buffyverse couple instead.

Anyway, you're not alone, and please keep posting. We need to know you're okay.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:06 pm (UTC)
Just being here is enough for me, love. And oddly, there is no icon at all with your comment. Who ated my Spuffy??? *hugs*

Never mind - LJ is being tres difficult this morning, and lagging like mad. Love the icon muchly.

Edited at 2013-07-24 05:11 pm (UTC)
shapinglight
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:15 pm (UTC)
That's weird. I could see it. LJ's a bit cranky, though. Hopefully it'll turn up at some point.

Trying again.
purplefeen
Jul. 24th, 2013 06:50 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry I missed this yesterday. I hope I can bring a smile a day late, anyway. I have been feeling much the same way, so I'm not sure how much cheering up I can accomplish, but I'll give it a whirl.

If you're truly desperate for human companionship, come visit me in this damnably cheerful hotel in Tulsa. There are hundreds of people here and they give out free alcohol and food at 5:30, so the lobby is filled with people who want to chat - I mostly want to smack them and tell them to shut up and leave me alone.

Not much good at this cheering up thing, am I? Sorry. But much love to you anyway.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
You always do, my dear. I wish I could just pack up and visit, but when you don't really leave the house, it's not possible. Thanks for the invite, though - you never know when a miracle might occur.

Misery shared is misery halfed, I say. Hopefully we cab both be a little better off. **loves you back**
lit_gal
Jul. 25th, 2013 03:41 am (UTC)
I am so sorry you're feeling so bad, and I wish there were something I could say to make it better, but I know how it is when you get in a funk. For what it's worth, I love seeing you around
spikes_heart
Jul. 25th, 2013 04:00 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the kind words, hon. Am feeling a bit better at the moment, for which I'm grateful. And you know... it's worth a lot, really. **hugs you**
rahirah
Aug. 1st, 2013 06:28 pm (UTC)
Some how I missed this back when it was posted. :( I hope you're feeling better, and like everyone else said, please take your meds!
spikes_heart
Aug. 2nd, 2013 04:42 am (UTC)
Good wishes are always welcome. Yeah, I'm feeling a little bit better right now, and working on the meds. Thanks for caring, hon.
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( 52 comments — Leave a comment )