Spike's Heart (spikes_heart) wrote,
Spike's Heart

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Attention, Please! Calling all Ladies and Gentlemen...

...and everyone in-between. Step right up and meet the world's top procrastinator. I'll be here through Thursday (and with luck, many years afterwards). I've been meaning to post a state of the me entry for over a month, now, and have been unable to get the words out of my fingers.

Until now.

Peek under the cut if you're interested.

I have had an abdominal hernia for the past twenty some-odd years. Yes, ideally I should have had it taken care of when it first happened, when I was way younger and it was a small thing. Problem is, I didn't. Depression, failing self-esteem, stupidity, and a teetering marriage all conspired to keep me from action of any sort. Oddly enough, the hernia was never painful (after the initial break through the abdominal wall), and since I was 'functioning' I let it ride.

Cut to all these years later, and the thing is huge! It's like I've been 7 months pregnant for the past ten years, and my center of gravity is so skewed my back hurts all the time. When the pressure of the hernia caused my skin to thin and begin to bleed, well, even I knew it was time to get it taken care of.

Hint for those who find themselves in a similar situation (pu pu pu), when the surgeon cracks his knuckles and says: "I like a challenge" after examining you, you've waited too long.

I've got to admit to being somewhat petrified. Surgery is set for Friday, January 22nd at 9 am.

I'm 54 years old, going on 4, and believe me, I want my mommy. I'll be going under with my elder son waiting for me, and a handful of family for support. Having my family there for me is the only thing giving me the strength to finally try and take care of myself. I've got a new grandson due in a month, children who care, kitties I love, the upcoming Winter Olympics, the World Champion Yankees season and some mighty fine television viewing waiting on the other side of this. I know I'm doing the right thing, and I know I have a lot to live for... but I reiterate and emphasize... I'm terrified.

I knew I should have stopped watching House and Fringe.

Anyway, if you have a kind word, a smile, a hug or a prayer you'd like to send my way, I'm sitting here, shaking. I do promise to go through with it, and will hopefully 'see' you all on the other side, healthier for it all.

Love you guys. You've been my lifeline for all these many years, though I've withdrawn back into lurkerdom lately. I've been here since September 26, 2003, which I find amazing. I don't even remember a time when I spent a day without you.

I want to stay.
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