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Am I Really Here? Do I Exist?

It's my own fault, I know it. For whatever reason I've not been taking my meds. I have 'em... I just can't bring myself to swallow the ten bloody horsepills - and that's just in the morning. At night, it's another four. And now, I'm reaping the consequences. I'm over-emotional. I tend to cry at the slightest thing and everything frustrates me.

Tonight I burst into tears because my elder son is having dinner with my grandkids (and no, I wasn't invited, and I'm old school enough not to show up and expect to be welcome), and my younger son preferred to order in freaking Papa John's pizza instead of coming to share a meal with me. I feel about this big.

It's getting so that I have no feeling of self-worth any more. I do nothing but sit at the computer all day, and if it weren't for a couple of sweetie pies on different continents and one on this one, I could exist in a void. It's like... if I wasn't in a medical emergency situation, I wouldn't exist in my own family. healing was good for me, personally, but it distanced everyone again.

I just want to feel wanted, you know? Even needed by someone. And I don't feel it. Not in the slightest. I guess I should take the fucking anti-depressants again... ya think? Even my writing isn't making me happy these days.. which I guess doesn't matter. It's not like anyone is reading it, after all.


I need some contact here, you guys. Please stop in and say hello, or share something uplifting. Make me see there's still good in the damned world? Let me know you can see me?

Please?

Comments

( 52 comments — Leave a comment )
eurydice72
Jul. 24th, 2013 12:29 am (UTC)
Are you me? I could've written something very similar to this today. And many days.

So I'm stopping in to say hello. *hugs*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:08 am (UTC)
There are definitely times when it sucks to be in the world, and today was my day, it seems.

Thanks for taking a moment to keep me from looking out on the ledge, Sigrid, and hugs to you too, for all the crap out there.
enigmaticblues
Jul. 24th, 2013 12:55 am (UTC)
*big hugs* Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It's a miserable feeling.

Here, have some fluffy animals. It helps.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:11 am (UTC)
Thanks for commenting, love. Some of those fuzzies had me asking what the frilly heck was that? All cute, though, and yes, they helped a bit. Always been a sucker for the cute.

And extra hugs for you, too, for whenever you need 'em.
cindergal
Jul. 24th, 2013 01:10 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Sorry you're feeling so low. I see you!
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:12 am (UTC)
It's good to be seen, hon. It's been a while since I've been sure about that.

Squishes you back!
oreo112001
Jul. 24th, 2013 01:30 am (UTC)
Absolutely been there... more than once. *hugs* It'll get better..I anxiously await reading things from you though - including RL updates :)
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:14 am (UTC)
Thanks for taking the time to offer support, hon. It helps... a lot. Of course, if you really do want to read me, it's all in my memories. I'd love to know what you think.

*hugs you back*
(no subject) - oreo112001 - Jul. 24th, 2013 04:41 am (UTC) - Expand
tgray
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:01 am (UTC)
I'm always here in spirit even if there's not much communication. You were my very first online friend and the one who dragged me into this wonderful world of LJ. Though I may be quiet, I am still listening and will be here anytime for you. Sending you so much love and virtual hugs you'd be smothered if you could feel them!
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:16 am (UTC)
Oh, T... it's soooo, sooo good to hear from you. I do miss the actual communicating, but it's nice to know you're still out there, somewhere, and remembering me.

*hugs you back so tightly*
missus_grace
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:15 am (UTC)
I think a good pity party every now and then gives you an opportunity to let go of all the negativity and sadness. The trick is not letting it rule your life. But please, please, take care of yourself dear. If you had seizures you'd take your anti-seizure meds, right?

*hugs*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:17 am (UTC)
*hugs you, too* Thankfully, seizures aren't one of my problems, and I really should get back on track with the meds. I'll try, at least.

Thank you so much for caring, hon.
emac66
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:19 am (UTC)
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:26 am (UTC)
OMG, you made me cry! But this time, it was happy tears. Thank you so much for the link. It's a relief to know there's goodness out there in the world.

Thanks for caring!
(no subject) - emac66 - Jul. 24th, 2013 03:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - spikes_heart - Jul. 24th, 2013 04:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
evenstar_estel
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:45 am (UTC)
Change a couple of circumstances and I could've written this. I feel for you, truly and I wish I could do something besides tell you I understand how you feel 100%. Most days I feel the only thing keeping me around are a couple of lovely little felines who need me. All I can do, today at least, is commiserate. *hugs*

Edited at 2013-07-24 03:46 am (UTC)
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:05 am (UTC)
My goodness, long time no see. Thanks so much for dropping in, hon. And yes, without my kitties, I'd have bitten it a long time ago. I'd say they keep me sane, but I'll change that to less crazy.

They do say misery loves company, but that should read appreciates the company. And I do - so, so much. **hugs**
tabaqui
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:55 am (UTC)
YES. Take your meds. Take them right now. If you want to try something else, or try stepping off, talk to your doctor. But please go, right now, and take whatever dose you're supposed to be taking. Okay? Okay.

It sucks to have to rely on medicine to feel good, but if you had a heart condition or an infection, you wouldn't think of *not* taking the meds, right? So please take them.

And we're here, bb. Just step up and vent, rant, scream, wave, whatever you need to do. We're listening.

*hugs*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:07 am (UTC)
Sweet Tab, thanks so much for stopping by the nuthouse. I will get back to my meds. I really need to. I feel like an emotional wreck. Once the tears start, they just don't want to stop.

**hugs you tightly**
(no subject) - tabaqui - Jul. 24th, 2013 04:15 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - spikes_heart - Jul. 24th, 2013 04:23 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - tabaqui - Jul. 24th, 2013 04:25 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - spikes_heart - Jul. 24th, 2013 04:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Anonymous)
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:16 am (UTC)
I love you so much, and I'm so sorry you've been having such a terrible time. You are one of my favorite people on this planet.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:21 am (UTC)
Dunno who you are, but thanks so much for your kind words. I really needed them today.
alwaysjbj
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:31 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you are feeling so low. *big hugs* Please do take your tablets though, you need to look after your health.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:02 am (UTC)
Seems, like I do, after all. Thanks for caring, hon. Hugs are wonderful things. *hugs you back*
sueworld2003
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:05 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear about all the problems you're experiencing right now, but as you can see above there's lost of folks (including my good self) that have experienced similar things during our time.

I do hope matters improve for you real soon love, I really do. *hugs*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:30 am (UTC)
Thanks, Sue. Yeah, I always read everyone's grief, and hesitated to post my own nonsense, but it just hurt so bad this evening. It;s an odd sort of comfort to be one of a 'club'.

I really appreciate the well wishes, Sue. **hugs you tightly**
rranne
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:10 am (UTC)
Oh, hugs and squishs!
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:31 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the kind thoughts, hon. *hugs you back*
petzipellepingo
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:15 am (UTC)
:: huggles you ::
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 02:56 pm (UTC)
Huggles you back, love.
just_sue
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:36 am (UTC)
I will personally come over there and kick you in the butt - or shins! - if you don't get yourself back on your meds, my dearest A! They won't make anything different except for the way you can handle it. Folks can be thoughtless shites at times.

*hugs you from here to eternity and back*
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 02:57 pm (UTC)
And hugs you back from eternity! *smiles* Love you, Sue. Sooo, sooo much.
hobbituk
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:41 am (UTC)
I am really sorry you are so down right now - sending you {{{cyber hugs}}} to try to make you feel better.

spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 02:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks, hon. It's amazing at how much that really does help. *hugs you back*
lyrstzha
Jul. 24th, 2013 08:15 am (UTC)
Hello; I see you. *hugs*

Something shiny, something shiny...how about awkwardly sleeping cats?
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:03 pm (UTC)
Those kitties were adorable, and a couple of them made me go 'huh!'. Thanks so much for the shiny. *hugs you*
gillo
Jul. 24th, 2013 10:49 am (UTC)
{{hugs you lots}}

Wanna Skype sometime?

And what they all said. TAKE THOSE MEDS.

Been there, somehow found my way out again, but I will never not be conscious of how frail a sense of wellbeing is. You gotta take care of yourself, pet. You're the only you we've got. You're the only you YOU'Ve got.

{{more hugs}}
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 03:06 pm (UTC)
I know you've had your own funk, Gill (and yes, that's just a simple word to cover all the shite you went through). I'm hoping mine was a quick hit and hurt. I'll do my best to get back on the pill wagon.

Hugs you hard for caring.
shapinglight
Jul. 24th, 2013 04:55 pm (UTC)
:Big, big, hugs:

I'm racking my brains for something daft and amusing to share with you and coming up empty, so have an icon of your favourite Buffyverse couple instead.

Anyway, you're not alone, and please keep posting. We need to know you're okay.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 05:06 pm (UTC)
Just being here is enough for me, love. And oddly, there is no icon at all with your comment. Who ated my Spuffy??? *hugs*

Never mind - LJ is being tres difficult this morning, and lagging like mad. Love the icon muchly.

Edited at 2013-07-24 05:11 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - shapinglight - Jul. 24th, 2013 05:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
purplefeen
Jul. 24th, 2013 06:50 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry I missed this yesterday. I hope I can bring a smile a day late, anyway. I have been feeling much the same way, so I'm not sure how much cheering up I can accomplish, but I'll give it a whirl.

If you're truly desperate for human companionship, come visit me in this damnably cheerful hotel in Tulsa. There are hundreds of people here and they give out free alcohol and food at 5:30, so the lobby is filled with people who want to chat - I mostly want to smack them and tell them to shut up and leave me alone.

Not much good at this cheering up thing, am I? Sorry. But much love to you anyway.
spikes_heart
Jul. 24th, 2013 07:00 pm (UTC)
You always do, my dear. I wish I could just pack up and visit, but when you don't really leave the house, it's not possible. Thanks for the invite, though - you never know when a miracle might occur.

Misery shared is misery halfed, I say. Hopefully we cab both be a little better off. **loves you back**
lit_gal
Jul. 25th, 2013 03:41 am (UTC)
I am so sorry you're feeling so bad, and I wish there were something I could say to make it better, but I know how it is when you get in a funk. For what it's worth, I love seeing you around
spikes_heart
Jul. 25th, 2013 04:00 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for the kind words, hon. Am feeling a bit better at the moment, for which I'm grateful. And you know... it's worth a lot, really. **hugs you**
rahirah
Aug. 1st, 2013 06:28 pm (UTC)
Some how I missed this back when it was posted. :( I hope you're feeling better, and like everyone else said, please take your meds!
spikes_heart
Aug. 2nd, 2013 04:42 am (UTC)
Good wishes are always welcome. Yeah, I'm feeling a little bit better right now, and working on the meds. Thanks for caring, hon.
( 52 comments — Leave a comment )

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